Saturday, March 3, 2012

Door to the Heavens and other tales

Stargate: SG-1
Children of the Gods

So there are some soldiers, and they are playing poker. I get a chuckle because they are doing a reverse of the final shot of TNG, zooming in over the poker table.

A tarp moves. Predictably, only the blonde woman notices. Wow, what big eyes she has as she stupidly walks up to it! Does she not watch Kurt Russell movies? The tarp blows away and something that is soooo not water but might be comes rippling across and everyone pulls the guns they brought to the poker game out because that's a way to do things, this is the military, yeah!

Something pops out and scans the rather dumb woman, who reaches down and picks it up. Then one of the Ra dudes comes out of what we all know is the Stargate, and grabs her by the neck. You get a better look at the invasion force pouring in and maybe they're not the Ra dudes after all because that would infringe on the movie. They look more snakey. So then they remove their masks and it looks like they're basically human. They hold something to the woman's head, and then the shooting starts. Brilliant. Military intelligence at it's finest. Anyway, the snake looking dudes say some words and the military guys run away and come back with a hopefully-more-intelligent SWAT team. Golden Snake Dude, who one would assume is the leader, glows his eyes and they all go back through the Stargate. Some commander dude comes and stands in front of it. Because that's smart, dude, you're not even wearing armor and you have no big overcompensatey weapon. Really?


The military goes and finds some guy, Colonel Jack O'Neal stargazing. Major Samuels climbs a tree to find him and bring him to General Hammond about something to do with the Stargate. O'Neal looks up from his telescope. He is definitely not Kurt Russell anymore. That's a good plastic surgeon. Serious talent. Obviously not the same one that did MJ.

I get a kick out of the elevator with all the sublevels. It makes me think of the Preteneder. SL this and SL that. Good times.

Moooving on. they get on another elevator. O'Neal and Samuels go even farther down. Those who did not watch the movie are impressed. The guy that played Scully's dad is General Hammond. He was the guy who stupidly stood in front of the stargate. They exchange some pleasantries. Hammond says he might write a book. O'Neal says he thought about doing that but he'd have to shoot anyone who read it because of the classiifed stuff. Silence. "That was a joke, sir." Ouch. Tough room. Don't joke, son, this is the Army!

They take O'Neal to see the body of one of the snake dudes. Withought the snake armor he looks very human except for the kangaroo pouch you can barely see. They haven't bothered to autopsy it yet, so I don't know how you can really know that it's like a kangaroo, but whatever.

O'Neal and Hammond discuss the glowing eyes on snake #1. Hammond tells him about the glowing eyes, exactly like Ra's. It has been more than a year since the Stargate. Is that all? They also have the other stargate mission people in for questioning. They also want to know about Jackson and why he stayed behind. They review the movie without showing any clips, probably because of the facelift they gave O'Neal. They want him to confirm that everyone on Abados is dead - and he does. They have a plan to send another nuke through, just to be sure it's, you know, blowed up. O'Neal says, "you can't do that!" And Hammond's, all, "unless you have something to add?" "General Hammond, sir, I regret to inform you it was not entirely accurate." So O'Neal tells him there are people on Abados, alive, and they are not a threat. Hammond wants to send the bomb through anyway, and he is pissed and actually sends O'Neal to a cell because he saved some innocent humans whose ancestors were kidnapped for slavery.

They lock O'Neal in with Kowalski. He's had a facelift too. They discuss the mission, the kids on Abados. O'Neal mentions his son, and teh Kowalski is all, "wow, I didn't know you had a kid," and O'Neal admits he died just before the mission to Abados.

Hammond comes in and says he's open to suggestions. They come up with a plan to go back through the gate and try to find out what's going on. First they have to know it's safe. They turn on the Stargate, and O'Neal sends a box of Kleenex through, because of all the sneezing Jackson did. They turn on the Stargate, and toss in the Kleenex. They wait. Dramatic music plays. And here comes the bassoon and drums!

Then the water pitcher on a confrence table starts rattling and the Stargate opens again. The Kleenex is back. And there's a message on the side of the box that says, "Thanks, send more." so they know Jacksons's alive and wants more Kleenex. O'Neal is recalled to active duty.

Hammond assigns someone named Sam Carter to the mission - a woman who will no doubt create tons of sexual tension in later episodes. The Manly Men exchange some sexual harrassment for a nimute with the General right there, but I guess he's old school. They discuss the physics of the Stargate, she's an expert, and she tells O'Neal to call her Captain not Doctor even though she is one and had to go to way more school for it and then she tells him that "Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean i can't handle whatever you can handle."

So many dirty jokes.... cannot process.... brain shutting down.....


The Manly Men exchange a look. O'Neal tries to cover by saying "This has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women." Yeah, I'll bet. In a good sauce. Sorry, couldn't resist. "I've just got a blittle problem with sicentists." Did n't you get over that one when you had your old face? She offers to arm wrestle him. Samuels wants to bury the Stargate. O'Neal points out that now that the aliens know they're there, they should probably do some recon. So they have 24 hours.

Stargate on.

Dramatic music. Big backpacks. Hammond orders O'Neal to bring Jackson back. More dramatic music. I don't think Jackson's girlfriend will like this. You know, the one he stayed behind for. Captain Sam tells O'Neal he'll like her eventually, and he says "Oh, I adore you already." She goes on about how cool it is that they've got a stable wormhole  and "You can actually see the fluctuations in the event horizon." like they didn't borrow that term from a college science textbook.

Zoomy lights. They come out on the other end in the temple, which is not buried in rocks. Nary a loose rock to be found. Way to go. They are met by Jackson and his buddies, all of whom are armed. Wow, that was easy. O'Neal gets to see his friend from before when he was there, the kid that reminded him of his son. The soldiers all greet Jackson and then his girlfriend or wife or whatever comes out and looks pretty. Sam finds the original interface and tells everyone how cool it is, and introduces herself as Doctor Samantha Carter, to which the Manly Men reply, "I thought you wanted to be called Captain." Lol.

But down to business. They tell Daniel about the aliens coming through the Stargate, and he's all, "not from here they didn't."

They all have dinner. They are making moonshine.Sklar tries to give O'Neal his ligher vack but O'Neal won't let him. Daniel tells them the Stargate has many potential destinations, which makes me think there's a series afoot! He takes them to see something after a very long, passionate kiss from the eye candy. O'Neal blinks. So they move out to go see the weirdness Daniel's found. Outside, he takes them someplace else, someplace dark, and shows them a map in Ancient Egyptian that he thinks is a series of destinations. Destinations for the Stargates. He's all, "some of these still exist?" And Captain Sam's all, "I don't think so," and Daniel's all, "then where did that guy come from," and Captain Sam is all, "Oh." and O'Neal's all, "Huh?" and Captain Sam's all, "The aliens could have come from anywhere."

The Stargate opens and more snake dudes arrive. Bang bang shoot shoot. Same gold snake glowy dude is there and they grab Sklar and ask him where he got his weapon. The Ra Clone zaps him with his scary hands and then zaps Mrs.Daniel too, but we think she's just knocked out after all the trouble he went to to save her in the movie, so presumably Skara is too.

The soldiers return and find chaos. They say it was Ra. Daniel blames himself for taking the barracade down and I gotta say I agree. O'Neal convinces him to return to help look for Sharay and Skara. I guess Sharay is Mrs. Daniel. Daniel tells the people there to bury the gate once he's gone and uncover it in exactly one year and he will try to come back then if he can. Fair enough.

They make it back of course.

Hammond is pissed at Jackson and won't et him go on the rescue team.

Switch to a castle where the snakeys live. They have a lot of people there and one guy who looks like he walked out of the TNG episode "Code of Honor" working for them. The Snakes take Sharay and Skara tries to follow but is held back and locked up. Oh, well, he tried.

One guy got hurt on the mission, but he'll be fine. O'Neal checks in with Kowalski and then finds Daniel, who also had an anicent egyptin faceflift. O'Neal takes Daniel home with him and they discuss what happened on abados after he left. They had a big party. O'Neal's wife left him while they were on the mission, setting him up for some nice sexual tension with Captain Sam. I can see that coming a mile away.

I think the Snake dudes are building a harem. They have a lot of chippies. They take the stupid one from teh beginning away from the other women and put her in a room with the Ra looking dude taht is not Ra but might be from his race. They strip her naked. "You could be the vessel for my future queen," he says, "but I am not hte one you must plase." I see where this is going. More dramatic music time! This time, lots of strings. A woman comes up and a freaking fish looking spine thing comes out of her belly and roars a bit. "Is she pleasing, my love?" asks Ra? The fish looking spine thing goes back into the belly. "Shame" syas Ra as he kills her. "send another!"

Hammond wnts answers. DAniel stumbles onto the idea that there re other aliens. I got there 20 minutes ago. They have 2 or 3 targets coming out of the computer a month. There will be 9 teams to investigate the planets. O'Neal will be SG -1 and Kowalski will be the head of SG-2. They go to work.  The injured guy wakes up and tells them where teh cooordinates were set up to send the aliens. They have a system set up where tehy have these transmitters and the "iris", a shield over the Stargate, will be sealed forever if they have the wrong code or no code in the transmitter. So don't loose the transmitter and you have 24 hours, and we hope the place we're going has oxygen.

They come out on a flight of  stairs. Ow. Daniel starts sneezing. Hey, it's like mini-stonehenge!

Daniel found a way to get home, so that's good.

Ra and his bride take MrsDaniel. Wow, that's nudity! Wasn't this a network show? Huh. Okay. Full nudity on network TV - no wonder they say this nation's going to the dogs. Fish looking spine thing comes out to play. It likes her. She screams. They turn her over. Dramatic music. Something gross happens with some biting an dsome burrowing and some screaming and lets just leave it there.

The army makes camp. O'Neal, Captain Sam, and Daniel  discuss how he met Sharay and then some people come along. Daniel jumps out to try to chat with them. He says "Chapaeye" and they all bow, the word for Stargate on Abados. They are speaking arabic but look more like druids. Daniel manages to get them to take them to the nearest town. It is a fortress on a hill. Drums start again. Now it's looking a little Greek but with pine branches. They are taken to a room and someone blows a trumpet. Everyone bows and the snake dudes come in, with Ra and Sharay. "Behold,:" says Ra, "yyour queen." Actually, he doesn't recognize them, no I guess I'll definitely start calling him NotRa.

Hammond gets Samuels to confirm it's 2 hours left.

Daniel, Captain Sam, and O'Neal wake up in jail with Skara. The snakes find them and realize they're from EArth.

The suns come up. Kowalski refuses to leave without O'Neal. Daniel recognizes NotRa as Apophos, the sperpent god. which explains a lot. Skara wants to save Sharay but O'Neal doesn't know how. the snake dudes come in and say they're going to choose. They bring Apophos and his wife in and teh Code of Honor dudes too and everyone is made to kneel. Apophos is choosing another woman, and she is taken away. Luckily we don't know her. Daniel attaks some other royal people and Skara ends up getiting chosen to be a host. They take him away. "Kill the rest," syas Apophos. Screaming follows.

"I can save these people," syas O'Neal. "Help me!" and Apophos's stonefaced guard does. He actually shoots at the snakeys. They blast their way out of the side of the building and get everyone out. O'Neal evern brings their new friend back. He speaks English. He even calls a Stargate a Stargate.

Hammond is still waiting.

Their new buddy, Tiilk tells them he is a Jafa, carrying an infant Gyoul, or god in his stomach. Someone was thinking Trill that day. Anyway, they get to the STargate with a whole ton of people. O'Neal is told Skara is no longer who he was, but he doesn't want to hear it. They see Skara and Shywhatever by the Stargate but of course there's also and airborne attack going on. Lots of shooging and splodies an dscreaming.

NotRa and his wife open the stargate to get home. Kowalski has to shoot off a rocket to get the air attack to end but they all make it to the gate and manage to arrive just in time to see Skara leave. O'Neal yells for him, but Skara uses his new powers to knock him back about thirty feet and goes into the gate with his family. And no, O'Neal did not see the symbols.

The deadline is there. Hammond waits to seal the stargate.

the snakes are coming and they have to leave now if they want to survive. O'Neal sends everyone else through first. There's some tension with music and shooting of course. They even bring civillians. Population crisis be damned. O'Neal tells Daniel to go, and he does, and then he and the few remaining fighters run for it. A worm gets Kowalski and the fighting continues but they make it through the gate. They close the iris and you can hear things going splat but they make it. There's a big party on the ramp.

Kowalski is a little off but says he's okay. O'Neal wants Tiilk to join SG 1 and Dainel still wants to find Shywhatever and O'Neal wants to find Skara. 

No comments:

Post a Comment