Friday, August 7, 2009

The Voyager Game 8: TNG Edition: Bloodlines

Bloodlines: TNG

Two things we've learned:

1. Unmanned probes are bad.

2. Picard being hailed by name is bad

So when DaiMon Bok sends a probe that hails Picard by name?
Bad. So bad, in fact, that we learn that Bok's new plan to avenge himself on Picard is to kill Jason Vigo, who we can assume by Bok's saying "You thought you could hide him from me," is Picard's son.

Dramatic music.


Lol. Picard has a kid. I can see it now.

Picard starts searching for Jason, and certainly seems to know a Miranda Vigo. He also starts searching for Bok (good rule of thumb: always keep track of the people you know want you dead). Picard tells Riker that it's possible Jason is his son - his twenty-three year old son. Well, this happens you know... to Kirk! Jeez.

Sigh. Bald sexy. I know.

Data manages to find Jason Vigo in a cave about to collapse so they beam him up, which pisses him off since obviously he wasn't hiding, he was spelunking or however you spell it. Picard tells him about Bok, and that he might be Jason's father. Miranda is dead, so they do a DNA test.

Jason is Picard's son.

I see masculine bonding coming.

Which is exactly what happens in the next act where Picard is showing off his ancient artifacts. He gives up quickly and orders himself some tea. Jason is all hostile and Picard is frustrated.

Geordi and Data have been given the dubious honor of trying to track the probe to it's origin. The Ferengi finally call and admit that Bok bought himself out of prison and is now in some star cluster with more than twenty systems in it. Data and Geordi are genuises, though, and actually manage to use that to track Bok down.

Picard comes to Beverly next for help with Jason. He's decided not to force himself on Jason - leave him alone and let Jason come to him. Beverly gets one of her few good lines in: "Are you doing the best thing for Jason or what's easiest for you?"

Deanna decides to lend a hand with the situation so Jason hits on her which is kind of amusing, I have to admit.

Bok's hologram comes into Picard's quarters to threaten Bok again - "I will kill him, Picard, and there's nothing you can do about it."

It wasn't a hologram, though, and it wasn't a hallucination, and the shields were up, so what exactly was it that Picard saw? Dramatic music does not swell, which is too bad. They assign security to Jason just as Data comes along and announces that Jason has a criminal record with his typical lack of tact.

Jason's hand is shaking in Ten-Forward, cue dramatic music. Picard comes to him and explains the guards and that Bok appeared in his quarters. He tries to bond with Jason but Jason won't have it.

Another probe shows up and explodes, displaying something that might just be Ferengi morse code, taunting them. "He's proved that he can get to us whenever he wants," mutters Picard. "Why doesn't he do something?" No kidding. I'm bored watching this. It's a mass of cliches.

Anyway, Bok appears in Picard's ready room and starts spouting the same old schtick as he did seven years ago. Snore.

And then there's some kind of medical emergency where Jason has a seizure or something. Because it's no good without someone getting sick.

Beverly diagnoses some rare neurological disorder that is supposed to be inherited but neither of his parents had it, so maybe it's a mutation. She runs some extra scans. Boring. Picard has made some evaluations of himself and his parenting ability. Dude, the kid's twenty-three. He doesn't need a father, you dolt. He's twenty-three. He did okay without you, except for the petty theft and tresspassing. Which, wait a minute, isn't he from some planet where everyone's short on food. Why would one possibly steal on a planet where the economy's collapsed? And wasn't the tresspassing something to do with rock climbing? Why are we so concerned about how "troubled" he is, exactly?

And why do I care at this point?

Data and Geordi have discovered that *gasp* Bok was in Picard's ready room! They spout some technobabble about subspace transporters and how they can beam through shields at a distance of several light years but they're totally impractical, then spout some more technobabble about protecting Jason.

Jason and his neurological disorder have decided to rock climb in the holodeck. Picard climbs up with him and they finally bond over hair, which is about the only cute father/son moment I've seen so far. Actually, to be fair, Jason confesses his criminal record, and then discovers that Picard already knew, and he still wants to hang. Huh. We all learned a valuable lesson.

Beverly summons Picard to tell him some bad news but we don't see what, because this is season seven where they tried twisting the endings. Bok tries to beam Jason away right after, and Geordi can't get him back, despite Picard trying to run up to the transporter pad and do - what exactly?

Another probe appears, with a transmission from Bok, so Picard technobabbles himself back over to Bok's ship to rescue Jason, and spills the bombshell: Jason isn't his son after all, Bok altered his DNA to screw with Picard's head, which gave him the neurological disorder. Bok goes back to prison. Maybe this time Picard needs to make sure he STAYS THERE.

They take Jason home, and leave him there to fix his life. He and Picard are all male bonded and Picard even gave him a "worthless" archeological relic.

So now it's time to play... The Voyager Game!

The whole Kirk/David plot in Star Trek II and also the Riker/Riker plot in "The Icarus Factor" spring to mind. And "New Ground", too. "The Offspring". And just because I can, "Joanna", the TOS ep that could have been. For TNG, that's a pretty poor showing, really. It makes me sad.